Slowing down and taking time to "smell the roses" has not come as easy as I would like.
As much as I had contemplated life post-XL - I had not really considered what it would be like to let go of the day-to-day routine. My day was pretty full - I literally woke up, grabbed the blackberry as I headed to the bathroom (it's amazing, my day didn't seem right - without first checking email, to see what had happened during the night). A few emails later, I'd glance at my watch - jump into the shower, get dressed - and head into the office to attend my first meeting of the day. Between meetings and calls, I tackled anything urgent or required an immediate response - and before I knew it - it was time of day when I should have stopped for lunch - but it was also a good time to check in with London or the Continent before their day ended. Most days I ate at my desk - sometimes it would be late afternoon and I'd realise that lunch had come and gone - and with afternoon meetings just minutes away, I'd make a mad dash to the deli on the corner to grab something to eat.
As the end of the day neared, I'd cram in a few more meetings - desperately try to find some time to do some of the tasks that arose out of the meetings or any of the requests that had arrived via email and POOF! it was already 6 PM. Usually this was the best time to start tackling actual work ...by then most of my calls / meetings were done for the day- and the quiet part of my day would start. I'd turn on my music, think about getting to the gym before it closes at 8 pm ...and get going. The office cleaners would come and go - and I'd be in my own little cocoon working away....time would inevitably slip away - and I'd glance at my watch and discover that it was getting close to 9 pm - I'd often think ...just one more thing and I'd call it a night. My tummy would start to rumble - and by 10 - 10:30 I'd be heading out the door - hungry & ready to unwind after a full day at the office. Eventually crawling into my bed between 1 and 2 AM ....only to start again at 7:30 when the alarm sounded.
Having essentially kept this pace for what now seems like forever - I have found myself at a bit of a loss this past week. I have lots of things that I want and / or need to do - and have struggled with accomplishing them. I recognise that I enjoy being busy - and when I'm not - I have a tendency to squander time. My to do list languishes at my desk - eagerly waiting for me to tick something off and my little gremlin is perched on my shoulder scolding me for not doing....
It's funny, I used to take great pride in ticking things off the list ... and am beginning to suspect that while the list is pending - that it somehow satisfies the part of me that needs to be busy. In truth - I'm attempting to creating an illusion of being busy. Alas, the illusion does not work -and you guessed it my little gremlin is quick to point this out and once again chastises me for not tackling the list head on.
I've come to realise that this game that I'm playing is not new - while I have accomplished much - I have always had a few items left on my list - I always managed to find something to add to the list and it has never been empty. As I write, I find myself wondering if I will ever take comfort in having a blank to do list. Gulp .... is it possible?
I find myself wondering ... "What happens when everything on my list, actually, any list is completed? For some reason, I have concluded that once the list is completed - my world will come to an end. But ...is that true? Let's see ... I do create shopping lists and check lists for various projects and tasks - and ... well - I do generally pick up everything on my shopping list as well as manage to check on the items on my "check list". Here in Bermuda when it comes to grocery shopping, it may mean hitting a few shops to get all the items on the list - but at the end of the day when every item has been crossed off - it feels good! And you know what? The world did not come to an end! :-) Actually, I am beginning to see that I have completed a great number of lists in my day ....and well ..I survived.
So ...my test this week is to venture forth and complete the items on my to do list. I suspect that all will be fine and have no doubt that as I move forward, new things will find their way on to the list or a new list will be created. Lists have a habit of growing - but even if it doesn't grow - (which I can't in all honesty imagine) - I know in my heart that all will be well.
What I know for sure, is that I do not want to revert to the daily grind that I left at XL - the path that I was following then was not a healthy one. I enjoyed the challenges and the opportunities that came my way over the years - I mastered that dance, now it is time for me to embrace the unknown :-) to live my life fully, "wholistically" and to create a schedule that works for me!
For now, I shall savour each step that I take in this great unknown - I shall embrace it, play with it and just enjoy it - as for each step creates an a new awareness of what lies ahead - and here - it looks pretty good :-)
Have a fabulous week everyone!
Lots of love,
Norma
PS - if you ever see me re-tracing the path I was following at XL - please remind to stop and smell the roses!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
It's September - time for new beginnings.
Well - here it is September already - and although I have now left the company - it all seems a little surreal. The first part of my dance has been incredible - I continue to learn, explore and try on new moves - determining which ones fit and tossing those that don't.
I thought the decision to tender my resignation would be a challenge -it was ....but I had not anticipated the emotions that would surface as the month progressed. Although I knew within my heart that it was time for me to leave .... twelve and a half years is a long time and for me, it marked the end of an era. Yes, I will miss many of the people that I've gotten to know over the years - but I will also miss the routine - the security of a monthly paycheck and all the benefits that full time employment provides - and as strange as it may seem - I will also miss the work. I won't miss the politics or the many layers of management that a single decision has to flow through!
If I had to draw an analogy for what the process has been like ...I would say it's akin to saying good bye to a well worn pair of blue jeans, a favorite sweater or pair of shoes - you know - the ones that may be a bit frayed around the edges, certain spots may have thinned, but they feel soft to touch and carry so many memories that to toss them away seems almost criminal. You know it's time to let go - but you opt to hold onto them for just a little longer -after all there is still some life in them ( a patch or a stitch here or there will do the trick) - and before you know it - a year has passed and you find yourself looking at them again - contemplating whether this will be the year that you let them go. Although the new pair don't feel the same as the old pair - you realise that it's OK - and before long the new pair become your favorites ...and the journey begins again.
Letting go of the comfort of the known and embracing the unknown is daunting. Although I had given advanced notice of my intent to resign - writing the actual formal resignation and submitting it was intimidating. I contemplated the words, the tone and how to submit it. Once it was done, it felt good, but shortly after I pushed the send button it was as if a cloud passed over me.
It was as if all of my fears found their individual voices and started sounding off about what I had done. I dismissed them and opted to spend the afternoon with friends. I announced to my friends and family that the deed was done and received many congratulatory notes. Some asked if it felt like a huge weight had lifted - as I write - I'm not sure if I ever really answered them fully. I may have deflected the question with something that felt true - but am fairly sure that I did not feel lighter - and the scale actually reflected this.
As much as I thought that I was ready for the change - less then 24-hours passed before I had cause to question my decision. In fact, there were lots of times when I wanted to reverse my decision - and each time I contemplated it - something would happen or be said that only served to confirm that the decision to leave is the right one.
So, I move - I am moving forward with my goal to get accredited by the ICF as well as Diploma in coaching. I've booked my spot on the courses, flights and hotels - and am ready. I returned to Structure House for the first two weeks of September - I decided that it was important that I not be to accessible to the office - and that it was important for me to take this time to refocus on shedding the excess weight and nurturing me.
Returning to SH has been great - a few of those that were here when I first arrived in May also returned to mark the end of a friend's stay here. It has been wonderful to catch up and spend time with everyone again. I have also enjoyed getting back into the gym with my personal trainer Randy and reconnecting with some very special people here. One of the highlights has been attending NIA classes - I have been doing the DVD's ...but it's just not the same as the class. Now ...if only I could figure a way to transport all of my favorite people and classes with me!
The first week here passed quickly - and I have no doubt that my second week will pass just as quickly! There is much that I want to squeeze into this time here in North Carolina. In addition to working out and eating healthy - I also want to work on my website for Clarus Bermuda (oh...that's the name I chose for my business). I need to get organized - I've been tossing things around in my head but had been holding off until I left XL. So ...now that I have left - it's time to get moving! After all - I'm self employed now ...and need to ensure that I have a regular source of income coming in!
My dance continues :-) I'm still learning the steps - but am enjoying the process!
Thanks for your continued support!
Much love,
Norma
I thought the decision to tender my resignation would be a challenge -it was ....but I had not anticipated the emotions that would surface as the month progressed. Although I knew within my heart that it was time for me to leave .... twelve and a half years is a long time and for me, it marked the end of an era. Yes, I will miss many of the people that I've gotten to know over the years - but I will also miss the routine - the security of a monthly paycheck and all the benefits that full time employment provides - and as strange as it may seem - I will also miss the work. I won't miss the politics or the many layers of management that a single decision has to flow through!
If I had to draw an analogy for what the process has been like ...I would say it's akin to saying good bye to a well worn pair of blue jeans, a favorite sweater or pair of shoes - you know - the ones that may be a bit frayed around the edges, certain spots may have thinned, but they feel soft to touch and carry so many memories that to toss them away seems almost criminal. You know it's time to let go - but you opt to hold onto them for just a little longer -after all there is still some life in them ( a patch or a stitch here or there will do the trick) - and before you know it - a year has passed and you find yourself looking at them again - contemplating whether this will be the year that you let them go. Although the new pair don't feel the same as the old pair - you realise that it's OK - and before long the new pair become your favorites ...and the journey begins again.
Letting go of the comfort of the known and embracing the unknown is daunting. Although I had given advanced notice of my intent to resign - writing the actual formal resignation and submitting it was intimidating. I contemplated the words, the tone and how to submit it. Once it was done, it felt good, but shortly after I pushed the send button it was as if a cloud passed over me.
It was as if all of my fears found their individual voices and started sounding off about what I had done. I dismissed them and opted to spend the afternoon with friends. I announced to my friends and family that the deed was done and received many congratulatory notes. Some asked if it felt like a huge weight had lifted - as I write - I'm not sure if I ever really answered them fully. I may have deflected the question with something that felt true - but am fairly sure that I did not feel lighter - and the scale actually reflected this.
As much as I thought that I was ready for the change - less then 24-hours passed before I had cause to question my decision. In fact, there were lots of times when I wanted to reverse my decision - and each time I contemplated it - something would happen or be said that only served to confirm that the decision to leave is the right one.
So, I move - I am moving forward with my goal to get accredited by the ICF as well as Diploma in coaching. I've booked my spot on the courses, flights and hotels - and am ready. I returned to Structure House for the first two weeks of September - I decided that it was important that I not be to accessible to the office - and that it was important for me to take this time to refocus on shedding the excess weight and nurturing me.
Returning to SH has been great - a few of those that were here when I first arrived in May also returned to mark the end of a friend's stay here. It has been wonderful to catch up and spend time with everyone again. I have also enjoyed getting back into the gym with my personal trainer Randy and reconnecting with some very special people here. One of the highlights has been attending NIA classes - I have been doing the DVD's ...but it's just not the same as the class. Now ...if only I could figure a way to transport all of my favorite people and classes with me!
The first week here passed quickly - and I have no doubt that my second week will pass just as quickly! There is much that I want to squeeze into this time here in North Carolina. In addition to working out and eating healthy - I also want to work on my website for Clarus Bermuda (oh...that's the name I chose for my business). I need to get organized - I've been tossing things around in my head but had been holding off until I left XL. So ...now that I have left - it's time to get moving! After all - I'm self employed now ...and need to ensure that I have a regular source of income coming in!
My dance continues :-) I'm still learning the steps - but am enjoying the process!
Thanks for your continued support!
Much love,
Norma
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