Embracing the unknown!

Slowing down and taking time to "smell the roses" has not come as easy as I would like.

As much as I had contemplated life post-XL - I had not really considered what it would be like to let go of the day-to-day routine. My day was pretty full - I literally woke up, grabbed the blackberry as I headed to the bathroom (it's amazing, my day didn't seem right - without first checking email, to see what had happened during the night). A few emails later, I'd glance at my watch - jump into the shower, get dressed - and head into the office to attend my first meeting of the day. Between meetings and calls, I tackled anything urgent or required an immediate response - and before I knew it - it was time of day when I should have stopped for lunch - but it was also a good time to check in with London or the Continent before their day ended. Most days I ate at my desk - sometimes it would be late afternoon and I'd realise that lunch had come and gone - and with afternoon meetings just minutes away, I'd make a mad dash to the deli on the corner to grab something to eat.

As the end of the day neared, I'd cram in a few more meetings - desperately try to find some time to do some of the tasks that arose out of the meetings or any of the requests that had arrived via email and POOF! it was already 6 PM. Usually this was the best time to start tackling actual work ...by then most of my calls / meetings were done for the day- and the quiet part of my day would start. I'd turn on my music, think about getting to the gym before it closes at 8 pm ...and get going. The office cleaners would come and go - and I'd be in my own little cocoon working away....time would inevitably slip away - and I'd glance at my watch and discover that it was getting close to 9 pm - I'd often think ...just one more thing and I'd call it a night. My tummy would start to rumble - and by 10 - 10:30 I'd be heading out the door - hungry & ready to unwind after a full day at the office. Eventually crawling into my bed between 1 and 2 AM ....only to start again at 7:30 when the alarm sounded.

Having essentially kept this pace for what now seems like forever - I have found myself at a bit of a loss this past week. I have lots of things that I want and / or need to do - and have struggled with accomplishing them. I recognise that I enjoy being busy - and when I'm not - I have a tendency to squander time. My to do list languishes at my desk - eagerly waiting for me to tick something off and my little gremlin is perched on my shoulder scolding me for not doing....

It's funny, I used to take great pride in ticking things off the list ... and am beginning to suspect that while the list is pending - that it somehow satisfies the part of me that needs to be busy. In truth - I'm attempting to creating an illusion of being busy. Alas, the illusion does not work -and you guessed it my little gremlin is quick to point this out and once again chastises me for not tackling the list head on.

I've come to realise that this game that I'm playing is not new - while I have accomplished much - I have always had a few items left on my list - I always managed to find something to add to the list and it has never been empty. As I write, I find myself wondering if I will ever take comfort in having a blank to do list. Gulp .... is it possible?

I find myself wondering ... "What happens when everything on my list, actually, any list is completed? For some reason, I have concluded that once the list is completed - my world will come to an end. But ...is that true? Let's see ... I do create shopping lists and check lists for various projects and tasks - and ... well - I do generally pick up everything on my shopping list as well as manage to check on the items on my "check list". Here in Bermuda when it comes to grocery shopping, it may mean hitting a few shops to get all the items on the list - but at the end of the day when every item has been crossed off - it feels good! And you know what? The world did not come to an end! :-) Actually, I am beginning to see that I have completed a great number of lists in my day ....and well ..I survived.

So ...my test this week is to venture forth and complete the items on my to do list. I suspect that all will be fine and have no doubt that as I move forward, new things will find their way on to the list or a new list will be created. Lists have a habit of growing - but even if it doesn't grow - (which I can't in all honesty imagine) - I know in my heart that all will be well.

What I know for sure, is that I do not want to revert to the daily grind that I left at XL - the path that I was following then was not a healthy one. I enjoyed the challenges and the opportunities that came my way over the years - I mastered that dance, now it is time for me to embrace the unknown :-) to live my life fully, "wholistically" and to create a schedule that works for me!

For now, I shall savour each step that I take in this great unknown - I shall embrace it, play with it and just enjoy it - as for each step creates an a new awareness of what lies ahead - and here - it looks pretty good :-)

Have a fabulous week everyone!

Lots of love,

Norma

PS - if you ever see me re-tracing the path I was following at XL - please remind to stop and smell the roses!